January 24, 2003
Week 3 : Ding Dong Merrily On High by Roger K. Burton
This is a state where no one ever says please! and Xmas music plays incessantly throughout the malls and thrift stores. Outside almost every shop in town, young students stand in the snow ringing bells and freezing their balls off collecting for charity. Meanwhile in the sweltering concourse areas of the malls new quirky electrical goods are on special offer during the Christmas period. Receiving most attention is a display of all over body massagers called the “Wave”.
Meanwhile, in the sweltering concourse areas of the malls new quirky electrical goods are on special offer during the Christmas period. Receiving most attention is a display of all over body massagers called the “Wave”. The victim lays in a huge transparent coffin like machine, face down and fully clothed in a sort of body condom, while a giant paddle moves gallons of insidious bright blue liquid, that looks like “Loo Blu” along the immersed contours of the body, and at $10 for ten minutes there is no shortage of brain dead takers.
Ok, so here I am surrounded by utter madness but totally starved of alternative culture, and as if the TV in New Mexico isn’t bad enough i.e. all war, weather and crime shows - after a night of blizzards and snow storms HBO is down at the hotel. So no Sopranos or Oz to watch, instead I plump for ESPN (the sports channel) where the Rodeo Finals in Las Vegas Nevada - which of course is sponsored by Wrangler jeans - are in full swing. Hunks of beef cake dressed up in leather chaps, wrestling with fearsome bulls and bucking broncos.
This is immediately followed up by the Ten-pin bowling finals, sponsored by Odor-Eaters. One thing Americans have always been great at, is finding the most obvious sponsorship. But having slagged off most of NM TV, I have got totally hooked on the late night MTV series Celebrity Lifestyles, or some such equally inane title, which would be more apt if it were called ‘Home Boys’. For those like myself who have never experienced this programme before, this is a kind of, “Through The Keyhole” tour – thankfully without that irritating Canadian bastard, of the UK series - around the most vulgar mansions of today’s new music glitterati millionaires, guided of course by the stars themselves.
Although we have been privy to everything from the predictable aged 70s Rockers guitar collections, to stars of new Country’s, ranch houses full of bull horns and cowboy boots, the most fascinating spreads by far, belong to the godfathers of Hip-Hop and Gangster Rap. From Miami to Brooklyn, gold, white and silver colour schemes predominate, like annexes to King Ludwig’s Baroque palaces, the rooms of these logo fanatics have the signature of being almost entirely decked out from the Versace Lifestyle catalogue, or are we really on the set of some new 007 movie? I think not, these babies are for real.
From gigantic Champaign crystal fountains in the reception hall, pouring out fresh Moet all day long, to the sedate dining room, with its solid gold place settings that sit on white Greek marble tables embedded in white ankle deep shag pile Cashmere carpets which stretch through to the great room. Here, sumptuous leather sofas await their owners G-string romps.